Tuesday, 19 February 2013

This Month's Carve Magazine.

The front of this month's Carve (iss.140). Pretty fucking insane.
The latest issue of Carve (issue 140) hits the shops this week and, apart from the truly epic cover shot and the usual array of awesomeness, there is another reason to sprint, screaming with excitement, naked to the nearest newsagents: Cockney Surfers. Which is definitely the greatest article ever written. The wit, literary skill and visionary insight from the writer surpasses even the greatest works of Dickens, Shakespeare or even... Ok I'll come clean, I wrote it.  

Still it's pretty cool officially being a published writer, darling. Go and grab yourself a copy and immerse yourself in everything surf. I'm off to shove the article in the face of  everyone I know. 

The article itself. Isn't it just the most beautiful thing ever *sob*.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Ke11y 4 P0P3.

Finally in this age of unending austerity, a job has come up. And the ‘Meeja’ (correct pronunciation) have gone mental. Pope Benedict XVI has handed in his notice. Collected his P45. And is off to spend time with... well not his family, but whoever Pope’s want to spend their time with. A new puppy maybe - see I didn't say Choirboys like you expected.

The big news isn't just that for once there is finally one job vacancy on the European continent. But, more worryingly, that the world’s direct hotline to the almighty is currently unattended. Much speculation will now ensue about who will succeed Old Benny in putting on a lovely frock and becoming head of the world’s smallest, and most crime ridden (fact), state.

But who can fill the cassock? Who apart from every theology graduate, ex-miner and reality TV contestant in the land, have applied? Well the world’s press is quite literally wetting themselves, trying to answer just those questions: camping outside the houses of anyone who has been within 50 yards of a church within the last 6 months. At the moment the front-runners according to the so called ‘bookies’ (as the blood sucking bastards are affectionately known) are:

Cardinal Wolsey (deceased) - 16/4
Cardinal Sins - 100/1
Colonel Sanders (also deceased) - 7/5
Dawn French - 1/-1 (fav)
Charlotte Church - 0.1/8
Joey Essex- 4/1
Stephen Fry - 101/97
Brian Cox - 6.626068 × 10-34 m2 kgs/1

Although Stephen Fry is expected to be ruled out, after it emerged that God has refused to speak to Stephen ever since a rather ugly incident during the preliminary rounds of the 1978 World Student Chess Championships in Cambridge, concerning a wandering bishop.

Personally, I’m amazed that one name hasn't come to the fore. Who I hear you think? Ke11y Fucking Slater. That’s who.  Although I might have to get him to modify that middle name a little if he is to be taken seriously during the Papal Conclave. Apart from that there is no one in the world better suited to the role:

Reason #1 (by the way yooof that # means number not hashtag) He can walk on fucking water! Yes he can. You and I may call it ‘surfing’. But the way that man does it, it’s holy.

Reason #2 He’s not adverse to the odd miracle. The comeback at Bells last year was the latest in a career of the miraculous, healing the sick and turning water into world titles.

Reason #3 With all those trophies, he could handle the Papal bling.

Reason #4 If Ke11y was Pope then the Sistine Chapel would become a Kelly Slater Wave Pool. And that would be awesome.

So, when you are casting your ballot Ant say’s - ‘Vote Ke11y for P0P3’.